It Was I, DwiteDaSpriteKnight

‘I admit it, it was I, Dwite The Sprite Knight. I rolled the Pope Mobile because a keg of holy water failed to cure my sunburn. Then I decapitated one hundred and seventeen Ronald Macdonald statues. I smashed those smiling blood haired freaks. Who can justify those aberrations occupying public space? Four confectionary cafes, I bombed them, junk food is dangerous. On my way here, I turned Spice World into a firecracker. I mean that awful pop music movie, not the shop Father! I’d water down the blood of Christ if I were you.’

‘Sir this is an R.B.T unit, not a mobile confessional booth. You’ll be accompanying me to the station for a blood test.’

‘Why don’t you get your blood tested by Xavier and Bond like me Father? Besides you’re a big boy now aren’t you? Surely you don’t need me to hold your hand. Have health and safety fads robbed you of your gonads? If you were a boat, I doubt you could you cross a moat
guarded by the shadows of retreating tadpoles.‘

‘The blood test is for you sir!’

‘Come on now, I’ve never even been breathe tested. Father, if these police officer fantasies persist, I think you should seek professional help.‘

‘I doubt our mobile testing units can detect whatever it is your on. Are you going to get in the back of the patrol wagon, or do I need to drag you over there?’

‘Oh I love drag, drag racing, dressing in drag, drag racing in drag and drag racing dragons in drag, oh yeah.’

‘There will be no drag racing dragons in drag where you’re going.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘Sir, if you get in the back of the patrol wagon you can find out for yourself.’

‘Wow, life is so beautiful in its uncertainty isn’t it. This is such an interesting space. I love the minimalist design. Where can I rate and review it?’

‘In my fifteen years on the force, nobody has ever asked me that question before.’

‘I can’t imagine why not. Father, this room reminds me of one of the installations at the Museum of Contemporary Art. Oh, it’s so exciting.’

‘It all looks like pretty bland engineering to me, sturdy and fit for the purpose, but bland.’

‘It’s time you expanded your mind.’

‘I’d love to know more about your mind expansion techniques. Who is your supplier for instance? If you’d be kind enough to give me a few details before the testing gets underway you could save us both some time.’

‘The Lord is my supplier.’

‘What’s his real name?’

‘Jesus of course.’

‘Mexican is he, what’s his surname?’


© Rodney Hunter, 2023


‘It Was I, Dwite Da Sprite Knight’ is derived from a poem that I first published on WordPress in 2018. The earliest version of the poem dates back to the 1990’s. I recently decided that it works better as a short story.

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